Unfuck Your Habitat

Yeah, that line of crumbs sucks. Try turning the dustpan so it’s perpendicular to the line and brushing it in that way. Or use a wet rag to wipe it up. If there’s magic that makes it not happen, I don’t know about it.

ETA: Besides vacuuming, smartasses.

1. I have a basic model Dyson and absolutely love it, but it was pricey. I consider it worth the investment.

2. Ammonia and hot water is actually the best way to get wax build-up off the floor. Just wear gloves and make sure you have plenty of ventilation. A steam mop will help keep it clean in the future, but it won’t take the wax up.

Dry swiffer or microfiber cloth for the floor. Extremely effective at getting hair off the floor. You can sweep or vacuum the bath mat, or use a pet hair brush.

Try vacuuming first, then mop with a damp (not wet) mop and a vinegar/water solution.

Mop & Glo is still available; I know Lowe’s carries it if you’re in the U.S.

Yes! They actually make slippers with mop-stuff on the soles, but there are so many ways to skate-mop your floor. (Just be careful. I don’t want anyone slipping and falling and breaking their heads open.)

I swear by Murphy’s Oil Soap for hardwoods. It’s mild enough that it won’t wreck the wood, but man, does it get up a lot of dirt. Use a regular mop with really hot water, but make sure your mop is just barely damp and not soaking wet. You need to be kind to the wood floors.

You can, but I don’t think you’ll need many.

Supplies needed: vacuum, extra bags (if your vacuum uses bags), trash bag, gloves, scissors, a can or two of carpet foam made for pet households (I would usually recommend Nature’s Miracle, but we’re doing a big area, and it’s expensive). If you can, renting a steam cleaner would be great, but it’s not totally necessary.

To start: Start at one wall and vacuum slowly along the entire length of the wall. On your next pass, overlap your first clean strip by a few inches or so. Continue this until your bag/canister seems to be close to full or until your strips aren’t getting as clean as the first one.

Then: Unplug the vacuum. Empty your canister or replace your bag. With gloves on, lay the vacuum down so you can see/access the bottom where the rollers are. Use your scissors to cut away tangled hair and such until your down to just roller/brushes again.

Then: Repeat the first two steps until you’ve covered the entire room. Then do a quick pass over the whole carpet again. This won’t take nearly as long as the first time.

Then: Either use your rented steam cleaner according to the directions, or cover the entire carpet with the carpet foam. If using foam, the directions will tell you to let it dry and them vacuum it up. Do that.

Good luck! Take before and afters, even if it’s only for you!

I’ve regularly used my steam mop on sealed hardwoods with no problem. Every so often, I use Murphy’s Oil Soap and a just-barely damp regular mop for a good deep clean. If your hardwoods are sealed, it shouldn’t be an issue as long as you aren’t letting them stay wet for any length of time.

First, stop with the Swiffer (if it’s the wet kind). That’s probably causing a huge percentage of the stickiness.

As far as really deep cleaning them? Well, it depends how much time and energy you’re willing to invest. The most effective thing I’ve ever found for gross linoleum is (wait for it…) Magic Erasers. But you have to go square by square, and that may be more labor-intensive than you’re looking for.

Slightly less ridiculous would be a scrub brush with a bucketful of hot soapy water. Work in small sections.

A steam mop would definitely help, but that’s kind of an investment.

Honestly, a regular mop with very hot (like, just boiled) water would be more effective than a Swiffer. You can add a little bit of concentrated cleaner or even a tiny squirt of dish soap.

Good luck. Report back.

Old-school Cinderella-style: bucket, scrub brush, hands and knees. The scrub brush is key so you can get in all the little grooves. Use really hot water and gloves.

Try just mopping with very hot water. With hardwoods or laminate, be careful not to saturate the floor too much, because you run the risk of the wood swelling (if it’s real) or the adhesive coming up (if it’s not). If you want to use any kind of cleaner, vinegar included, use it sparingly.

For the sofa: saddle soap to clean, and leather restoring cream to bring it back to life a little. Both are pretty widely available.

For the carpet, rent a steam cleaner. As the carpet is drying, place clean rags over the heavily stained areas and put a little pressure on them (some kind of weight). The stain will likely wick its way back up the carpet fiber as it dries. Repeat the process. It may take a few times.

And honestly, cream-colored carpet should be banned. Who thought that was a good idea, ever?