Unfuck Your Habitat

Drain flies:

Seriously, fuck drain flies. They’re the worst.

So, drain flies live on all of the organic stuff that’s in your pipes. So, you need to deal with them at their feeding and breeding grounds. First, figure out what drain(s) they’re coming from. Then, get yourself a pipe brush, and start scrubbing down that drain. This is a kind of gross and fairly labor-intensive process, but necessary. Then, if you’re not morally opposed to drain cleaner, get yourself some Draino or Liquid Plumbr to eat up the rest of the gunk. Nothing to feed on=no more drain flies.

If traps have worked for you, awesome. I’ve just never had even a little bit of luck with them, aside from catching a handful of flies. Maybe my fruit flies are just jerks. Or mutated so they’re really smart and don’t fall for my tricks.

Hahahahaha, I have this amazing mental picture of you gleefully committing flyicide with a bottle of Tilex.

And, yeah, home base is gross, right?

OK, so every damn thing you find on the Internet will have you building some kind of contraption involving several of the following: wine, dish detergent, vinegar, plastic wrap, sugar, water, and a bowl or glass of some kind. None of these have ever worked for me. They may trap a few flies, but if there’s one thing that fruit flies are, it’s prolific. There are more of those fuckers than a homemade fly trap can catch.

First things first: you need to find where they’re living and eating (and breeding). This is almost always going to be some kind of food source. If they seem to be coming from the drains, they’re probably living off of the organic crud in your pipes. Drain volcano and/or commercial drain cleaner is a good place to start. Duct taping the sink drains so they’re air-tight might work too, as long as you don’t need to use the sink. Keep in mind that they can live off of food crud that lives on your dirty dishes. I’ve found colonies of them living off of a single piece of dog kibble that rolled under the stove.

Once you’ve found their home and disposed of it outside of your house, you need to clean some shit. Using a bleach solution, wipe down every possible surface to make sure there’s nothing for them to live or feed on.

Some people swear by freezing them out, so if it’s cold where you are and you can stand it, you might try that. The most important thing, though, is to find where they’re hanging out and to make sure there’s nowhere for them to make a new home base. It may take a day or two for their numbers to noticeably dwindle.

Also flypaper. It’s available at most hardware stores, and it’s really satisfying to watch those fuckers fly onto it and get trapped.

There are tons of homemade tricks involving bowls of red wine, dish soap, plastic wrap, and all sorts of stuff. They may work. The only thing that has ever worked for me, however, is finding what the little fuckers are feeding and breeding on and getting it out of your house.

HOWEVER, since these assholes are hanging out in your bathroom, it leads me to believe they may be drain flies and not fruit flies. Still awful. They like bathrooms because they feed on the shit that lives inside your drains. Gross. This means a super intensive cleaning of the bathroom. If your pipes can handle it, drain cleaner down the tub, toilet, and sink. If not, or if you aren’t sure, a baking soda and vinegar volcano is pretty awesome, followed by a whole lot of boiling water. Also, make sure any standing water (shower shelves, etc.) are dry. The last time I had drain flies, I ended up duct taping over the drain openings (after they’d been cleaned and the areas around them were dry) for a few days, replacing the tape after every shower, and using the kitchen sink. You can also try freezing them out if you have a window and it’s cold where you are.

Good luck, and godspeed.